Have you heard of Facebook Depression?

It’s a real thing, apparently, based on the fact that most of our Facebook Friends express only the shiny, happy parts of their lives on social media and hide the less-than-perfect bits.  People don’t realize that what they’re seeing on Facebook isn’t a reflection of reality, and they begin to think that their lives are less than adequate when compared to those around them.

Of course, this is hogwash.  It’s human nature to share pictures of your children while they are smiling, not while they are snotty-faced crying, or throwing tantrums in Wal-Mart.  From personal experience, I know that I am more apt to share when I’m having a good day.  That’s because when I’m having a bad day, I tend to grumble to myself in a corner with a book, a spoon and a can of frosting and have no interest in telling people about it.

So, in the interest of full disclosure and to encourage those around me to share more about their real lives in the hopes of warding off Facebook Depression, here are some status updates that I haven’t shared with my friends over the last few days:

1.  I found mildew in my washing machine – I went to throw a load of laundry in the washing machine this morning and found a wet, soggy mass of clothes from the last load that I apparently forgot about and never put in the dryer.

And I don’t remember the last time I did laundry.  It was a lovely surprise.

I had to pull each item out, pre-treat it and I also put an empty load of bleach through the washer before proceeding.  I got rid of the mildew, but the extra washing time definitely threw off my morning chore schedule.

2.  My kitchen smells like burnt Spam.

Because I burned Spam in my kitchen.  Before you judge me, Spam is not a staple of my diet.  Once every few years, though, I get a craving for a Spam sandwich or sliced Spam with eggs for breakfast.  It is much like my random craving for an olive loaf sandwich that hits about twice a year.

(Olive loaf with mayonnaise on white bread.  I’m not saying you should live on it, but once in a while it’s a beautiful thing.)

There.  Now you know I am a distracted cook and have a shameless love of processed meat products all in one status update.

3.  I DVR’d the ending of Chopped.

I had to leave the house yesterday just before they plated the dessert round, so I set the DVR to watch the end of Chopped.  Maybe I wouldn’t feel quite so ashamed if this had been a one-time occurrence.  But no.  Anytime I can’t watch an episode all the way through the end, I hit “record” so I can find out what the chefs made out of star anise, mangos, elk liver and gummy worms.

4.  I check my book’s Amazon rating 46,000 times a day.

…and my mood fluctuates accordingly.  If the number is low (my my standards – I’m not comparing myself to Sophie Kinsella or Stephen King), then I’m generally in a good mood because low numbers means more sales.  If the number is high (again, by my standards), it can make me grumpy.  I really don’t know how people in the entertainment business can stand it.  They say that they don’t look at reviews or box office returns, but they have to be lying.

5.  I dripped raspberry jelly on a beige pillow in the living room.

Yeah, that’s pretty self explanatory.

So that’s my story and my reality over the last few days.  Now, did great things happen, too?  Sure.  I saw some old friends last night.  I hung out in the Old Port with my girlfriends on Friday.  I plan to be glued to the TV at 10pm to watch the new episode of Sherlock… but these are all things I will probably share through Facebook and Twitter.

Just remember that for every fun “isn’t my life swell?” post you see on Facebook, I probably also burned some Spam.